I was always a big girl, bigger than most. Always over 300 pounds. It finally got to the point where I could no longer walk. When a knee surgeon told me that I would be in a wheel chair within a year, which is when I knew I had nowhere to turn. I had to do something. I did. And am I glad! Little did I know that I was also suffering from worsening osteoarthritis, and adult-onset scoliosis that started with the birth of my son, fifteen years before. I did not know it then, but 25 percent of my back was curving...left.
That was in September, 2005. I weighed 370 pounds. I was a large woman who simply accepted her size and truly felt that the world around her accepted it, too. I was 49 years old.
But during the summer of 2005, I started to feel my legs buckle under me. I could no longer go up stairs without excruciating pain. My husband and my teenage son had to both support me and my tremendous weight getting up two flights of twelve steps each in our townhouse to our top floor.
We talked of getting a chair escalator, which is usually installed for those in wheelchairs. I began to get worried about my legs and made an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon, who performed an ACL surgery on my right knee in 1999. Now it was 2005 and it was my left knee that was affected.
I was told that both knees could no longer support my weight, and hence the verdict about the wheelchair. I had one year. The orthopedic surgeon refused to do knee replacement unless I could lift my entire body out of a chair. I had to get to at least 250 lbs or he would not operate on me. And I didn't even know I had a back issue before me yet...
I had no idea what I was going to do…..
Weight had always been an issue my whole life. I was and am a lifelong
food addict. A food Addict is someone addicted to certain foods as a ‘substance’ such as sugar or flour that sets up an allergy to the substance and then you will start to eat limitless quantities of these ‘trigger” or binge foods. This is the case of many, many people, almost one third of the American population! Food addiction is common; very common, and it’s growing. But I never would have believed it in this context.
I was fat ever since I can remember. Not just ‘chubby’, but FAT. My mother was a vain, shallow woman who was embarrassed by her oldest daughter who had a preoccupation with sweets and starches, which she would swallow to cover the pain of children tormenting her at school (‘Fatty Abby’ still rings in my ears). My Mother, who abhorred her own weight problem, as addicted to prescription diet pills, and put them in my cereal every morning.
She did not want me to grow fat, because by the time I was eight years old, I weighed 110. I did lose weight, but wound up with what you would now deem having “ADD”, lack of focus, and speeding….from diet pills. I never knew that for two years my mother had done this. At age ten I started to get B-12 shots from my mother’s doctor. But the irony was the more I received shots, the more I wanted to eat. By the time I hit teen hood, I was 250 pounds. I also had a thyroid that became very slow, and there were no tests at that time that regulated thyroid malfunction as there are today.
My Mother would remain thin, almost anorexic looking, until her death just a few years later. She died as a result of overdosing on pills and going into a coma from drugs. She was 38 years old. I was 16.
I left Chicago a few years later, weighing 350 pounds. At the age of 21, I married a man who I thought accepted me, although I was terribly overweight, and I decided that marrying him was the thing to do. His parents did not like me, and hence, we divorced a few years later. He moved back with his parents(!) Surprisingly, I had no problem getting dates, as it was usually for companionship, but my self-esteem always felt the scars of carrying the burden of extra weight. It was a decision I made on my own, at 29 in 1985, that was life-altering. I had one of the first Roux-N-Y Gastric Bypasses ever performed at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia, PA, where I had relocated.
I went before a board of doctors at Blue Cross Blue Shield and stated my case that obesity was killing me and altered the quality of my life. My employer, who ran a media company where I was an Advertising Director, covered the cost of the surgery.
The weight loss was remarkable: I had a weight loss from 350 to 200. I maintained the weight loss for three years, from 1986 to 1989.
I gained the weight back as a result of remarriage and pregnancy. Two things that having the stomach surgery DID NOT prepare one for as it does today: Make those three things:
1) Self-esteem issues: you do not learn how to deal with a new body and new lifestyle overnightOne needs therapy, as the problems you have are still there.
2) One should not jump into a relationship because one can with a better, more attractive body. One needs to have a relationship with themselves. I went into an abusive marriage. It was like I married the first man who told me I was pretty, and I married him for his “looks” I promptly became pregnant!
3) One needs to still watch how they eat when pregnant after having a gastric bypass. I did not. You can “trick” the bypass and your addiction to food will kick in. Mine did. More than half of my weight was back within seven months of the pregnancy.I suppose saying that the weight gain due to pregnancy, that ‘eating for two’ was/is pure denial. It is. Because for the next fifteen years I could never get the weight off again and I tried. I even tried diet pills, over the counter ones, redux-phen fen, and going back to surgeon after surgeon for revisions on the old gastric bypass who would tell me that it was far too risky for a revision, that the surgery was far too old, that there was too much scar tissue.
Plus I had much too much emotional scarring. I had a small son to take care of, two herniated discs in my lower back and was now over 300 pounds again. So I spent the next fifteen years this way. I’d gain 15 lbs; lose 15 lbs. lose 125, gain 25. I went to see many diet doctors, including a very prominent diet physician from Johns Hopkins, who would put me on 1500 calorie diet with equal parts carbs and protein. I never lost a pound. In fact, I gained weight. Now I know why….he dealt with diet. Not ‘food + addiction’ to certain foods that trigger the urges in our brains to EAT ....
The bright spot was that I did work on my mental health. I worked on myself from the inside out, and learned that I could bring up my son, and live a pretty good life. I met a man who told me ‘you can’t get a custom fit in an off the rack world’. He loved me just the way I was, and yes, married me wearing a Size 26 1/2 wedding dress. He was a great stepdad for my son, and we lived a pretty good life for the next several years. I even started my own freelance PR marketing form in the Washington DC area, HighViz Consulting (http://www.highvizconslting.com ) Story: http://abbebuckpr.blogspot.com/2007/02/abbe-buck-and-highviz-consulting-group.html I was meeting with everyone from Three Star Generals to top lobbyists on Capitol Hill. I had a quick mind, and worked harder than most. That is until my knees gave out. I even remember where I was when it first happened….. I was
walking with Major General B. Sue Dueitt (Ret.) of US Army PERSCOM, Army Personnel, in the Pentagon when suddenly I fell down. In the hall of the Pentagon. In front of a Three Star! Oh, the embarrassmemt. I was the well kempt fat girl who walked just a bit faster thsn everyone else...That was the first time my knees gave out….the summer of 2000….but I shook it off. Shook off the embarrassment…on the outside.
But by the summer of 2005 I could hardly walk. After seeing the orthopedic surgeon, I knew I had to lose weight. A minimum of one hundred pounds. We were talking about TOTAL KNEE REPLACEMENT. I went to see a bariatric surgeon who specialized in severe revisions that were high-risk at George Washington Hospital in Washington, DC. I also went back to Johns Hopkins. There was one surgery that a Dr. Paul Lin could do that was risky but it would mean that I may have severe diarrhea for the rest of my life. But there was something I did not try….
In October, 2005, my father had a heart attack. He was in serious condition in a hospital in Chicago and I had to fly home. I had a walker and a cane, and with the orthopedic surgeon’s permission, I flew home. I was pushed by wheelchair through the airport to get around, a first for me, which was humiliating. When seeing my Dad, I stayed with my brother and sister-in-law and their children. I told them what the surgeon told me about my knees, and what I was told to do. My sister-in-law told me an illuminating story. A friend of my brothers, his best friend, who weighed 550 lbs most of his late teen life until he was in his late 30’s. He lost his weight and stayed with a program, which he had been sticking with for over ten years. She suggested I call him. I said I would.
I did after my Dad went back to his assisted living center, and I went back to my home in suburban Washington, DC.
I was never one for Weight Watchers, or TOPS or weight loss programs. They never seemed to work for me. I was not one to go on a “diet”. But I did call my brother’s friend, who lost 325 lbs and kept it off for 15 years. How did he do that? He told me that it was simple but it was not easy. He had an “allergy” to sugar and flour and substances, as if he were an alcoholic, or drug addict, but his addiction of choice as to food. He had to treat his food and the foods that he ate with a certain caution, even reverence. There are those that are good for you, that we may eat, and those that are not, that set up what is described in the book “Alcoholic Anonymous” …”An Uncontrollable Craving……” The more he explained the correlation, the connection between certain foods and the CRAVING to eat, all of the diet clubs, the Doctors I had seen, even the gastric bypass I had had where one milkshake could ‘trick” the surgery went out the
window. It was a matter of being addicted to sugar. I thought to a woman’s website I read when I was in therapy and a book that I kept close by “Potatoes Not Prozac” by Dr Kathleen DeMaisons. And so it was this food plan, sans the potatoes, that I followed (http://www.radiantrecovery.org) This man stayed on the phone with me about his story for over an hour and a half. At his top weight, at 525, he would eat pizza leftovers out of garbage cans, and heinous things like that, so bad were his addiction to food. Like a junkie. Like mine! People think it is okay for a “McDonalds™ run and then to go back on a diet. They do not realize that it is the foods they are choosing that they are addicted to. I did not.
Since I was calling this man in Phoenix, AZ, I was not sure when I would meet him. But he told me that a support group would help me. It did. I found a meeting called “Food Addicts in Recovery” and November 10, 2005 I went to my first meeting. I met people who lost over 100 lbs by putting down sugar and flour and foods that set up an uncontrollable craving for massive quantities of food. These people kept their weight off for many years. One woman I met lost 150 lbs and she had both of her knees replaced. She was now a power walker. She was a tiny woman in her 50’s. Another man, also in his 50’s, slim, good looking, and courtly and had lost 162 pounds. I was in awe. I walked up to him, extended my hand and said “Hello, sir. My name is Abbe. I believe I am addicted to food. I weigh 365 pounds.” And he simply said “Not for long. Go, Abbe. Go, Abbe.” He told me in our conversation that I could call him for any support I
needed. I did, the very next day, when all of the cookies, crackers, candy, 5 lb yellow domino sugar bag, honey, and other ‘junk’ food substances were put in a black garbage bag. Many unopened products went to the food bank. It was that day, getting the food out of my house that I made up my mind. I needed to walk again! I needed to save my life! I COULD NOT be a burden on my family. I would lose this weight, this albatross!
I found a sponsor, just like in AA. This was a person who would act like a guide, who would accept my food plan every morning. He was an old-timer, who was also in AA. The food plan was simple:
.A grain (oatmeal, flaxen cereal, grits) 2 ounces, 4 ounces protein, six ounces fruit and one fat in the AM,
8 ounces of salad, 6 ounces green vegetables, 6 ounces protein lean at lunch,
same at dinner. Coffee, tea black, if possible. Sweetner, okay.
Mid-day: an apple (medium) Gum sugar free; sparingly, not packs at a time.
I also got a scale to weigh and measure my food, as those addicted to food, “their eyes are broken”
My new sponsor was also familiar with Dr Kathleen De Maisson's work with food and the brain: he recorded his food plan daily in a food journal developed by Dr DeMaissons called "Your Body Speaks", The Sugar Addict's Journal. While I see myself as a food addict, and Dr DeMaisons has written extensively about "The Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program", the journal speaks to the addiction in tandem by listing out exactly what constitutes sugar, and just how addictive sugar as a 'substance' can be; what food portions should be at which size at a typical serving: what are 'white' processed foods VS 'brown' more natural ones? When you log in your food the journal reminds you to check off if you took a vitamin, zinc, B complex, had 8 glasses of water. It even has a gentle quote from Kathleen daily, such as
"If you don't have a journal, you don't have a record of your process (or progress) If you don't keep a journal, your body has no way to talk with you."
Finally, you are asked, How do you feel physically and emotionally, your gratitude for the day and a special committment for tommorrow.
In the back of "Your Body Speaks" you are asked to reflect on any of the changes you have seen since you have started... As I am now on my 18th "Your Body Speaks", I am getting a bit ahead of my story...
My family as not sure about what I was doing. Thanksgiving was right around the corner. I had trouble standing to cook anyway by now, so they may have thought we were going out. I said, no, I am not cooking a turkey. I am going to a Food Addicts meeting. I told my husband that he could cook the meal. And you know what? He did!
My husband and son had pumpkin pie and cool whip for dessert. Well, the pie could stay, but the cool whip went down the garbage disposal.
After my first ten days, I went to see Dr Paul Lin, the bariatric surgeon who would be doing the high-risk surgery so I could lose weight. When I got on the scale, he made note that I had lost 31 pounds! He asked what I was doing. I told him my typical meal plan:
Breakfast:
One ounce oatmeal (cooked)
A grain (oatmeal, flaxen cereal, grits) 2 ounces, (1/2 cup measured)
4 ounces protein,
6 ounces fruit
(berries, apples, pears, hard fruits)
One fat in the AM (butter 1 pat or smart balance)
Coffee or Tea
Snack:
Apple Medium
Lunch
8 ounces of salad,
6 ounces green vegetables,
6 ounces protein
One tablespoon oil and vinegar or one tablespoon Blue Cheese or low sugar salad dressing
Coffee or Tea and water or glass (16 ounces)
Snack:
Apple or Pear (medium)
Dinner
8 ounces of salad,
6 ounces green or non-starch vegetables
6 ounces protein
1 tablespoon oil and vinegar or 1 tablespoon Blue Cheese or low sugar salad dressing
Coffee or Tea and water or glass (16 ounces)
Any gum…sparingly, not packs at a time.
What Dr. Lin recommended surprised me. He said I would do just as good a job, if not better, doing this plan than having a revision surgery! He wanted to see how I did in 90 days. He said that if this plan did not work, then I could come back. He knew that I had my “death sentence" (my term) of a wheel chair and saw me holding my cane. He just said that he wanted me to give this a chance “You will have to choose an eating plan anyway once the surgery is over. You have been through this before many years ago. It seems like the discipline is already back.”
He was right. It must have been an act of God, or an act of desperation to save my life, or both. It was.
Needless to say, in 90 more days, I had lost 55 more pounds!
By June of 2006, I placed a post on my blog. I was touched by Governor Mike Huckabee, and knew that many, were addicted to sugar and flour. Huckabee wrote a book about it, “Quit digging your grave with a Knife and Fork”, where he cited that sugar and flour set up an addiction to food. Huckabee was bound for diabetes, as I was, and many, many ailments. He, like me, was well over 300 pounds and could not climb a flight of stairs. I studied what Huckabee did. I knew that I could do that, but knew I must never stop doing it, one day at a time. Mike Huckbee along with several others along the way helped to change my life
(((((( As of this writing, Gov. Huckabee has gained one third of his weight back. This may be because of the addiction to food, and we not taking care of yourself, first. We, in our fast-paced lifestyles surrounded by FOOD, do not put ourselves and addiction to certain foods that set off triggers and alarms to our addiction first. And it can be other factors, such as menopause, aging, taking certain medications that cause weight gain. I experienced some weight gain due to these reasons, after having surgery and drugs, steroids and lack of movement. But I keep things in check) )))))
By June, 2007, the majority of my weight was lost. I went from a Size 30 to a Size 16. My top weight was 373. I now weighed 217. I did get to 210. And I did NOT need a gastric bypass. What was the most surprising of all was I did not need the knee surgery at this time! I was given a reprieve. I could not exercise except in a pool or by lifting weights because of my knees.
My orthopedic surgeon said that I could now wait a few years for knee replacement was able to put down my cane. I was able to walk half to a full mile, it was a miracle. I was no longer reaching for foods that made me want to eat like mad. I had a sense of peace and freedom I had never known.
I even do something I could never do – I could ride on the back of my husband’s motorcycle!
But now I needed a new type of surgery. I, like my old friend from Arizona, my pal who weighed over 500 pounds, needed excess skin removed from excess weight loss. I hope to eventually have this done.
Unfortunately, I did stop walking in March, 2010 I learnef that I would need spinal fusion in August of 2010 due to scoliosis which started to develop over 20 years before. I had been misdiagnosed with sciatica and disc herniation that had never been completely addressed. I had minimal envasive surgery for scoliosis, stenosis, spondylosis, on my entire spine from L-2 to S-1 plus 3 discs replaced, now wedges. I owe success in surgery and minimal envasive to my weight loss.
I still need knee replacement and a body lift. And no, I am NOT in a wheelchair, overmonths post-op.
In closing, I am certain that this addiction to certain foods and sugar that set up an allergy that leads to eating addictively is one that is arrested by not cured.
Because of the blessings of clarity and strength I am able to share with others my journey. Most all have the same question ‘what did you do?’ And I just tell them “I finally put it down, because of the damage I did on my body.” I call these foods a substance, like drugs or alcohol.
If I go to a social function, I treat certain foods as if I am starting at Jim Beam. I am an alcoholic. I am responsible. Same analogy.
But I also have "Your Body Speaks" by Dr DeMaissons and a phone number of a fellow sugar and flour addict nearby! I even tweet and facebook if If when gotta!
Another interesting sidebar is about my son, Eugene. And this is no sidebar, but one freaking miracle!!!
My son inherited my fat “gene” and he tended to be heavy like Mom. I never scolded him, understanding what it was like to feel tormented about being large. By the time he was fifteen years old, he was around six feet tall and weighed 300 lbs.
My son turned 16 when I started my weight loss journey.
He watched the way I ate and asked me why I was doing it. I simply told him, and explained more about our family of origin, addiction, and how lucky we were to have a happy, stable family life. Suddenly he stopped eating sugar and flour! He worked out, and by the time he was 18 he was 6’2 and weighed 175 lbs, and wears Size 34 jeans. He is now in college going into his third year, majoring in History with a 3.8 GPA. Eugene turned 21 in September. My GP, Dr Ross told me “You added many years to your son’s life.” Oh my God. I did.
I reached out and saved my own son’s life. And you know what? My son leads a rock band! It’s called Unskilled Professionalz (www.unskilledprofessionalz.com)
In here are my stats:
Cholesterol: 198
Sugar: 95
Blood Pressure 100/60
Thyroid: Low – On Synthroid (20 years on syntrhoid)
Menopausal
I take an aspirin Bayer 81 daily.
I take aleve (naprosyn) and a Tramadol 50 MG daily
And I love wearing jeans, yes, levis, boot cut and motorcycle tee shirts and little black dresses!
So, maybe I will get to throw away my cane and get to sing again! - ya never know. But not just yet. My total knee replacement (partial) is scheduled for late fall. As for my plastic surgery....Next! But you will see me out and about with my little blue cane....
And you can find me on facebook, on twitter, on Amazon, on You Tube and here:
http://www.abbebuck.com/
Thank you for letting me share my story with you.
Abbe Buck Hann
Photos: www.abbeloses145.blogspot.com
#u
No comments:
Post a Comment